My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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