Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
