If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm like, not good at living.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
