Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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