i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
