I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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