Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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