Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
