So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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