JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
