I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i barfeds in our rink
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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