haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
