I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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