one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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