matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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