I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My dick has a subreddit
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize