my sisters under your porch take her home
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
