it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
