1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
