sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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