If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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