we have pet lesbian snakes
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
