you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Is her dick bigger than yours?
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