Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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