I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She's better-looking with the mask on.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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