You just made me feel so damn special
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
