I wish I could teleport
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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