please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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