Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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