U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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