He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
