Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
