i jhust puked up my retainher.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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