Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize