hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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