Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So drunk its hurt
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
