I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
last night I used snow as a chaser
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
