my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
