How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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