It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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