No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
