Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
