Your mouth is God's brothel.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
