I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
