3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
