Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
