She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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