On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
