I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
