Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
