I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize