Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
