I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
