Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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