White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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