Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
