if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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