dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
