Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
