well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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