i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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