I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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