I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
