I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
