he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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