Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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