the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
