let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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