I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
