My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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